How to Resolve Differences in Relationship
By: Michell Stanley, LICSW, ACC, RYT
Is there really such a thing as an irreconcilable difference in relationship?
Personality differences are inevitable in a relationship because you’re never going to be in a relationship with someone who is exactly like you.
One of the reasons why navigating differences can be so difficult in intimate relationships is because the difference is rooted in seemingly incompatible values that are expressed through hardwired aspects of our personalities.
An example of a core value that might play out in a relationship is that one partner might have a value around freedom and risk taking, while the other partner might value security and safety.
John and Julie Gottman talk about these types of differences as “perpetual” or “unsolvable problems”
How You Know You have an Unsolveable Problem:
An unsolveable conflict will play out in several different areas. One of the most obvious and painful ways that it plays out is around finances. For example, one person might value spending their money on parties and having fun and doing things that are adventurous, while the other person wants to save for the unexpected. Regardless, of how it plays out. Issues rooted in a values conflict can come with an intensity, aggressiveness and frustration that doesn’t quite make sense.
The Caveat of Compromise
The reality here is that when we have a differences that are rooted in a core value, finding agreement is almost impossible. Individual perspectives are so ingrained in your personality, belief systems and world view that you ultimately think your way is both real and right. Therefore trying to compromise or be convinced of an alternative viewpoint is met with tension and animosity.
What to Stop Doing
They call this type of difference a “perpetual” or an “unsolvable” problem, because most times you can’t convince your partner to see things your way. So, the first step to overcoming an unsolvable problem is to stop trying to convince your partner of your perspective or trying to get them to change.
What to Do Instead
After you stop trying to persuade your partner to change. Start trying to understand why they feel so strongly about the issue by understanding the life stories that make this value so important to them. Rather than trying to fight about who’s right, shift into learning and understanding your partner’s motivation to act as they do.
Why This Matters for Relationships
Mutual understanding takes the pressure off needing to change. When we are accepted for who we are, we are more willing to choose the personal changes that support our growth in relationships.
So What Next?
This is just one example of one of the tools that I work with couples to incorporate into relationships. If you want to know more about how coaching can help your relationship, contact me for a free consultation .
Psychotherapy alleviates symptoms of emotional distress (such as anxiety or depression). As a holistic psychotherapist and a life coach, I use life coaching and psychology to help couples to be more intentional in their communication so that they can evolve through conflict and enhance connection.
