4 Steps for a Successful Argument
How to Fight for a Win-Win Relationship
By: Michell Stanley, LICSW, ACC, RYT
Intimate relationships require a set of skills that you just don’t have to learn or use in any other relationship. You might pride yourself in being: a great listener, advice-giver and support for your friends and loved ones. Yet, when it comes to your partner, your communication is at its worst.
The vulnerability required for intimacy makes communication harder than in other relationships. Vulnerability makes you more susceptible to being triggered, taking things personally and blowing things out of context.
In this article: I’m going to talk about how to stay connected, present and effectively engaged when having difficult conversations with your loved one or partner.
1. Regulate Emotion
One of the things that happens when we’re having a difficult conversation is our internal thermometer goes up. In other words: we get emotionally flooded. The more our emotional temperature rises, the more uncomfortable and possibly threatened or attacked we feel. Remember feeling attacked, doesn’t mean your partner is actually attacking you.
2. Transition from Talking About the Issue/Problem
When one or both people get flooded, the tendency for couples is to keep trying to work out the issue. Instead of continuing to engage in a heated conversation, your priority needs to shift to do things that lower the emotional intensity in the conversation.
3. Take Time for Self-Care
You may think resolving the issue is what you need to feel better in an argument. However, feeling upset is when it’s most important to step back or zoom out. Kindly suggest taking a break. Take the time to do something for yourself to calm down. Find self-care strategies that help you feel safe, calm and cool that don’t require your partner’s cooperation or involvement.
4. Learn How to Soothe Your Partner.
According to John and Julie Gottman: couples’ ability to repair is the key differentiator between couples who last and those that don’t. A repair is a simple, quick and effective signal, gesture or communication that sends the message in a way that your partner not just hears it: But FEELS IT. Some examples of successful repairs are: giving a hug, smiling, warm eye contact or simply moving closer to your partner. When you do these simple soothing techniques it can equalize the tension so you can more effectively continue the conversation.
If you want to learn more tools to make intimacy, connection, communication and commitment so much easier and effective stay tuned in or contact me for a free consultation.
Until then, I hope that you enjoy practicing these tools and I hope to hear from you soon!
Psychotherapy is great to alleviate symptoms of emotional distress (such as anxiety or depression). As a holistic psychotherapist and a life coach, I use life coaching to help couples to be more intentional in their communication so that they can evolve through conflict and enhance connection.
